Standard Deviations

“OMG! What the hell?!?” Came the high-pitched exclamation as my brain registered another false start. I was so caught up in the idea of carrying this “lovely” woman over the threshold after saying our wedding vows, my limbs didn’t listen to my brain and ended up colliding with her outstretched cup in this downtown coffee shop. 

“I’m so sorry, it’s my first day in this meat suit, ha, ha, ha… ha?” I offered lamely. She didn’t find it as amusing as I did. The back of my neck started prickling, the nervous sweats would start soon. Combined with the warm wetness of the latte soaking into my shirts, I had the strangest urge to pee. 

“What is wrong with you?” She said disgustedly as she took what was left of her latte and hightailed it out of the café. 

The barista noticed our exchange and had the bathroom key on the counter ready for me. With a nod of thanks, I grabbed the key and beelined for the bathroom. The probability curve finally broke in my favor, preventing further collisions with other people. Safely inside the private bathroom, I stripped off the offending coffee-soaked layers, thankful that they didn’t soak into my t-shirt, the plastisol ink of black and white bell curve, graphic, which proudly proclaimed “Standard Deviant,” helped prevent the latte from soaking into the fabric. 

A quick wipe was all I needed to “freshen up”. At least from an external perspective. Hands braced on the edge of the sink; I stared at my reflection. The ruddiness from embarrassment was fading from my skin.

“You got this, Nate. There are still thirteen women in this café, not counting the employees. Statistically, about half of them are probably single. That’s like eight chances to find my future wife! I can totally do that!” If only I could count the employees, but I learned from that last coffee shop that it will get ugly real fast. I shuddered at the memory of drinking old coffee grinds for flirting with that one barista. 

A knock on the door pulled me out of the disgusted haze. 

“Uh! One sec, almost done!” I called out, hastily washed my hands, and after drying, I used a fresh paper towel to turn off the tap and clean up any stray water droplets. Opening the door (with the same paper towel) and almost knocking the edge into the man waiting too close to the door, I apologized and tried to basketball shoot the used paper towel into the waste basket of the bathroom. I missed. Badly. The man scoffed and shook his head while closing the door. 

One of the café baristas, Beth, stood off to the side, arms crossed. 

“We talked about this, Nate. You know… walking and talking… really isn’t your strong suit”.

“I’m aware”. 

“So why do you insist on trying to do both at the same time? Pick one, I’ll have to use the mop less”.

“Are you sure? You and that mop are pretty chummy.”

“That’s only because you keep forcing our proximity to each other. Of course, a romance would bloom between us”. Beth said as she dipped the mop dramatically in an impromptu dance routine. 

I chuckled lowly and quietly moved towards the counter seats where I left my bag. As I was pulling open the zipper, a plastic bag appeared in my peripheral vision. Expecting Beth has come to my rescue once again, I turn, and my brain short-circuits as this gorgeous woman is handing me a crumpled plastic bag. My mouth drops open, and the air stalls in my lungs. A corner of her mouth quirks up in a grin. 

“Wouldn’t want you to ruin your Mismo,” her voice rolling over me like a perfectly organized data set. 

I shake my head mutely. This absolute goddess was talking to me. Wait, she’s talking to me! Snapping out of my stupor, I grab the bag. As she is turning to leave, I blurt out, “Marry me? Uh, wait… no… not that… I mean, I would like for you to marry me… But maybe not yet… Unless you believe in love at first sight, which would be only a one percent chance, but still, I’m totally up for it! I mean, with everything that’s happened so far, there was bound to be something good happening to me, right? Oh, you’re walking away. Thank you! Thank you is what I meant to say. Sorry. Does that make sense?” I finally pause.

The goddess stops walking away and turns to face me directly. A halo of wonderfulness surrounds her as she lifts her sunglasses from her eyes and places them daintily on her head of perfectly coiffed hair. Her grin is a full smile now, and her nose scrunches up cutely as she giggles lightly. 

“You’re so funny. What’s your name?”

“Ante… Wait, no, Nate. My name’s Nate. Hi, nice to meet you, what’s yours, or should I just keep calling you goddess, cause that’s what you look like?”

Another giggle and a soft bite of her lip. 

Oh, dear sweet Ronald Fisher! Mush. My brain was actual mush. 

I couldn’t hear what she said but her hand was extended out to me like royalty, so I did the only thing the pudding in between my ears could do and bent to kiss her hand with a flourishing bow. 

“How gallant of you, Nate”. She said as I let go of her hand. 

“Who said chivalry has to be dead?? I’m a one-man resurrection team!”

“Quite”. 

“Would you do the honor of allowing me to get you a coffee, beverage, snack, anything at all? You know, to thank you for your kindness, and maybe you might give me your number as well. Just in case I need to save my bag again. Which is a statistical probability considering just how clumsy I am. Am I babbling again? I’ll shut up”. 

She chuckled lightly this time, and I was so entranced by the way her shoulders shrugged up and inward as her chin dipped towards her left shoulder and the elegant way her hand came up to hover in front of her mouth. So graceful, like a Kaplan-Meier curve, way too rare for someone like me to stumble into. Wait. What is happening? She’s pulling something out of her purse and handing me a card. There’s writing on it. What is this? I look up and wait, she’s saying words. Come on, Nate, pull yourself together.

“…all sometime, Nate”. I hear, catching the tail end of her sentence. 

Did I… did I just get her number? I take the card from her outstretched hand and fish for my phone in my pocket. I dial the number on the card and hear buzzing nearby. She smiles and pulls out her phone, showing me the screen with my phone number staring back at me. 

She gave me her number. HER number. Not some random number. Not a rejection hotline. HERS. 

It was weird sitting on one of the couches in the café, but since it was Beth’s day off, she wanted to be as far away from the counter as possible.

“Are you sure we have to be here, Nate? I’m here like 25/8.”

“There are only 24 hours in a day and seven days in a week, Beth”. 

“Maybe for you there is, but for us lowly peons, time moves differently”.

I rolled my eyes and rested my head back against the wall. Although not my normal spot at the counter where I could see everything going on in the café, it was kind of nice to be in the back corner, sort of nestled away from the other patrons. I sighed heavily.

“That’s like the fourth time you signed like that, my dude, what’s up? Trouble in paradise?” Beth asked. My eyes opened, and I glanced her way. She was making a sweetly innocent face like she expected the drama but was trying not to say ‘I told you so’. 

“No, no trouble. I’m just tired. Contrary to popular belief, I work just like you”. And work I had. Ever since starting to date Tatiana…Memories blurred together now, but that first night was still clear. I said I would take her anywhere she wanted to go. She aptly chose the fanciest place in town. A little bistro hot spot where reservations normally took months to get into. I had my boss, a well-respected doctor in town, get me a spot. The two extra shifts in exchange were worth it to see the smile on her face at the cozy booth spot we got near the center of the restaurant. 

There had been a lot of dates like that in the past few weeks, but the last one, where we strolled, hand in hand, down a fashionable strip, had been the most devastating and wonderful at the same time. We passed a high-end jewelry store, and the engagement rings caught my eye. When I stopped, she was immediately drawn to the sparkly things in the storefront as well. So, we went inside. I surreptitiously examined the rings until I heard a squeal of excitement. Finding Tatiana over by the necklaces, she found a stunning, yet simple, silver chain with a single solitaire diamond. The saleswoman complimented her taste and offered the necklace to Tatiana. She brought it over to me, turning and sweeping her length of hair to the side to allow me access to put the necklace around her neck. I fumbled with the clasp. Several times. Her hair smelled so good. Her skin was even softer. I continued to fumble, brushing her neck as I worked the clasp.

Once it was securely clasped around her neck, she turned to face me and beamed up at me brightly.

“Oh, it’s so gorgeous. Thank you so much”.

I didn’t realize I was buying it until just that moment. The store clerk rang me up and I balked at the two-THOUSAND-dollar price tag. 

“Uh… Tatiana…?”

“I know right? It’s such a good deal. Especially for our first anniversary gift. Should I maybe find some earrings to go with it?”

“NO! No, I mean you wouldn’t want to distract from the beauty of the necklace, right?” I said sheepishly. I guess there were going to be a few extra research shifts in my future. And ramen. Lots of ramen. 

I swiped my card and signed the receipt. Caught in the glow of having an anniversary with this amazing woman at my side, who clung tightly to my arm at the moment, and the guilt of such a large, unexpected purchase. Just then, Tatiana’s phone buzzed with a notification. She glanced at her phone and made the most adorable pouty face. 

“I’m so sorry to cut our celebration short, but I have to go. My grandaunt’s cousin is not well and needs me.” She said blowing me a quick kiss, before walking out the store, leaving me with just the memory of her warmth and a receipt.

“Earth to Nate!”

I snapped out of my reverie. 

“Sorry, Beth. I just got caught up. Like I said, I’m just tired. I’ve been working a lot of extra shifts at the lab. Who knew having a girlfriend was so expensive?”

“I mean, it depends on the girlfriend… Can I ask you a personal question, Nate?”

“Sure thing, Beth. We’re friends after all.” I said, smiling at her, and she rolled her eyes.

“Has your ‘girlfriend’ ever offered to even split the tab with you for all those dates you’ve been taking her on?”

“What are you implying? I am a consummate gentle man. Even if she offered, I wouldn’t let her!”

“Dude, just asking a question, no need to bite my head off… Unless I hit a sore spot and you’re lashing out at me. Then you can bite, but just like my arm or something. I need my head. I have an important exam tonight. Speaking of which, I gotta get going. Those books aren’t gonna hit themselves! But just give it some thought. I’d hate for a good guy like you to be taken advantage of Nate.”

With that parting shot Beth gathered her things and walked out of the café, waving once she got to the door. 

“Thank you for dining with us this evening. Here is your check. I’ll be by in a little to collect it.”

The waiter said kindly, placing the little black book at the center edge of the table. Tatiana thanked him lightly and began digging around her purse. 

For a moment, I was stunned and just about to refuse her paying for the date, but she was just pulling out her compact to make sure her lipstick was still in place. It felt like I was regressing towards the mean… 

“Is something the matter, Nate?” Tatiana asked and subtly slid the checkbook closer towards me. 

“No. Nothing’s the matter at all. Just… uh… maybe… would it be possible to… maybe… split this check… maybe?” I asked. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Oh, you’re so silly. You asked me out. Do you really think it’s fair to expect me to pay when you invited me?”

“Well… No…”

“Exactly, so…”

“But…”

“But? But what?” Her tone was cold now, no longer the gentle sweetness I had come to expect. This wasn’t the first time her tone shifted like this when it came to money. But with what Beth said bouncing around in my head, I didn’t let it drop. I was about to continue my sentence when a man’s voice called out.

“Tatiana, darling! What are you doing here? I thought you were helping your grandaunt’s cousin. Darling, who is this gentleman?”

“Darling! He’s uh… my accountant. I was just treating him to dinner for such wonderful work on my return this year”. She said quickly, grabbing a handful of bills and shoving them into the checkbook.

“Accountant?” I laughed. I actually laughed, like it was a joke I didn’t get yet. But the look on her face told me everything. 

“I’m a statistician, Tatiana. Who is this man?” I said, rising from my seat while Tatiana stayed seated. 

“Really, Matt. You can’t expect me to remember all those details”. 

“Matt? My name is Nate. Tatiana, we’ve been dating for weeks, and you can’t remember what I do or my name?”

“Dating?!? Tatiana, you’ve said you were with your grandaunt’s cousin, helping her through a divorce these past few weeks”.

“Darling, I have no idea what he’s talking about, dating. He’s just my accountant!” She said chasing after the man who was quickly walking out of the restaurant.

The next day, I sat on the same couch as before. Alone this time. Playing the devastation of that moment over again and again in my mind until a sharp kick to my shin brought me out of it. 

“You wanna be sad, that’s fine, but you don’t get to take the whole couch while you do it”. Beth said, matter of factly. 

I chuckled and scooted over, rubbing my sore shin. 

“That’s what you get, depriving a service worker a comfy seat after a long, difficult shift!” She said, plopping onto the couch next to me.

She leaned over, touching her shoulder to mine. 

“I like your shirt. But I’m guessing something happened with your ‘goddess’?”

I looked down at my ‘Null Hypothesis: I’m Fine’ shirt and stayed quiet for a long moment before turning to Beth. She looked at me with clear eyes. No pity, just empathy and care. 

“She called me an accountant.” I said incredulously.

Beth burst out laughing. Not a dainty, practiced giggle, but a full belly laugh with a snort thrown in for good measure. I smiled. As her laughter died down and she wiped the tears from her face. I said the one thing I least expected.

“Can I get your number? I’d love to take you out.” 

Beth smiled kindly at me.

“I thought you’d never ask”.

The End